requiem for a dream

i've never watched a more disturbing movie.
i guess it can be considered a masterpiece because of how it made my emotions swirl downwards.
of how well movie twisted my sense of morals.
i literally wanted to kill myself after watching this film.
it made me feel extremely uncomfortable.


which led me to the ultimate sad clarity of my life.

if i had no family i would not hesitate to end my existence.
suicide is bliss when day ends in my head.
realizing that everything i have lived is a lie and every happiness i always pushed away.
realizing i can not change as a person.
that this world would be a much better place without me.
that everything i have ever came in contact with has bettered without me.
i've yet or will have this proven wrong.

i hope one day i never wake.
to sleep forever.

life is beautiful, but i shall never see it.
i am undeserving of happiness, and every danger i see fit to death brings excitement.

if there is a god in the sky and you see this, please do me the favor of letting me sleep forever.
because i have given up on life in this world.

material possessions and a lust to earn cred so i can find love to my impossible expectations is all i am.
nothing of me is real and my love is false.
i don't know how to love.
i don't know love.

fuck i am a sad person.
there is no word to describe the lies i live everyday.

i just want to meet my death.